Yesterday, I said to myself, “Self, tomorrow you’re going to be more productive.  No goofing off.  No computer doodling.”  Unfortunately, today’s self is saying, “Hey, yesterday’s self, speak for yourself.  I’ll goof off if I damned well please.”  Yesterday’s self is all huffy now and refuses to talk to today’s self.  Today’s self is filled with righteous indignation about yesterday’s self’s presumptuousness.  It gets pretty confusing when you argue with yourself from one day to the next.  I think this is a sure and certain sign that my summer job is coming not a moment too soon.

…

Well, it’s apparent that today’s self has won the day – I did pretty much nothing productive, useful or goal-oriented.  In fact, I’m not at all sure what I did all day except that it’s now approaching bedtime and I can only cross one thing off my list – having coffee at Starbucks with my friend, Julie.  Oh, and since she was able to proofread my scholarship essay, I posted that and submitted my application online.  So a few clicks of a button are all I have to show for this day.  Not good.  Not good at all.

On the other hand, it IS summer, the season where many people take some time to goof off and recharge their mental/emotional batteries.  Perhaps that’s what I’m doing – recharging my batteries.  The first half of this year has been long and arduous.  I went through a major depressive and hypomanic episode all while taking four classes and working 30 hours a week (and still managed to pull some decent grades – three A’s and a B+).  So maybe it’s a good thing to spend couple of days here and there to just drift along as the mood strikes.

Of course, being bipolar, I always have to watch these little changes in mood and behavior, analyzing them to make sure they don’t signal a problem.  And that’s a bit tiresome, you know?  Every time you feel a little down, you have to wonder if it’s just normal, everyday blues, or clinical depression.  Even when you’re feeling really good, you think to yourself, “Am I feeling TOO good?  Is this the start of something manic?”  Yeah, it can be a real drag, but everyone has their little crosses to bear.  Being bipolar isn’t fun, but it could be worse.

So, having determined that I’m neither depressed nor manic, I guess I can relax a bit and just enjoy this lackadaisical mood.  I have a few days to prepare for my summer adventure next week with the kiddies and not all that much that I have to do to get ready.  There should be time enough to get those few things done and I’m sure I’ll be able to handle the pressures of the job better if I’m rested and refreshed with my batteries fully charged.  Maybe this is a good thing after all.

by and read the new ALBs message if your interested, it may explain whats going on about us right now

Hi K'Jan. Just stopping in to say thanks for the note on my Tagboard. It was really nice to see you. I hope you're doing well; laziness can be a good thing, especially if you're working all the time, without a break for some down time...

Have a great Sunday!

Hi, Really enjoying your blog. Great writing - really pulls me in!

I know what you mean about wondering, "Am I feeling too good?" For me, it's because I know that mania can build if left unchecked. Summer is the time for mania:o, so awareness now is key.

I took a college course (my 1st ever) this spring, and took up suzuki cello, all the while battling hypomania, often negative... (Oh, and I have a large family to care for.)