I’m definitely on the mend.  The restlessness has decreased, the anxiety and irritability are less frequent, I’m sleeping better – the only things left over are the racing thoughts and difficulty staying on task.  That of course is problematic with all the homework I have to do this weekend, but maybe it will continue to get better by then.  If not, I’ll just have to put up with it and still get things done eventually.

I saw both Ray and Dr. Leo this morning.  I told Dr. Leo that decreasing the amphetamines was causing a bit of a problem, especially on top of the Restoril.  I couldn’t afford to be sleepy on top of poor concentration in class and the amphetamines definitely help with concentration.  He agreed so I’m back up to two a day.  I had considered cutting back on the Restoril, but he said to wait a couple of weeks to try that – it’s too important that I get enough sleep.

Ray’s appointment focused on the number I do on myself when I get manic or depressed – I’m always too hard on myself.  I start thinking about how worthless I am, how much of a burden I am, that I’m damaged goods, etc.  He pointed out that being intelligent and creative gave me plenty of ammunition in the quest to ruthlessly castigate myself.  So, if I’m to ever decrease the devastation of these episodes, I need to better armor myself from this need for self-criticism.  Right – piece of cake.  It’s only a habit of some 47 years.  Well, maybe not that long, since I doubt I did it as a baby.  Still, it’s been a long standing habit – almost a way of life for me.

Another thing that Ray pointed out is that other people don’t see me the way I see myself.  In fact, I’m just about the only person who sees me as a waste of resources.  Other people seem to see me as intelligent, competent, creative, funny, caring, considerate, etc.  I find that odd and a little embarrassing.  Some of that may stem from my childhood.  My mother always told us that “self-praise stinks.”  And, whenever we did something good, she always could find a way that we could have done it better – as in “that was good, but….”  So I really have a hard time saying good things about myself without at least some qualifiers – like “I’m sort of intelligent.”  This is from someone who once belonged to Mensa (a group for people with high IQ’s).

Anyway, I’m getting there, slowly but surely.  It’s hard not to remind myself that some sort of episode will come again eventually.  At least this time I managed to stay out of the hospital during both episodes – of course it took almost daily phone calls to Ray to manage it.  Still, it’s a step in the right direction.  And while I cut during the manic phase, I did mange not to cut during the depressive phase.  Again, that’s a step in the right direction.  Maybe, just maybe, the episodes are reaching the point where they aren’t quite as severe.  That would be a real plus.

Well, I guess I should look for something productive to do since I’m at work.  I don’t really have any assignments at the moment but I should be able to put my creative mind to work in coming up with something to occupy my time.  Even if it’s homework, it’s better than spending all my time writing blogs and playing on Facebook.  At least today isn’t a full day – I’m only here for 6 hours and I don’t have class tonight.  I may bounce from one thing to another, but at least I’ll be busy.  Like Ray says (all the time), it’s important that I keep busy.

Glad to see you're feeling better, K'Jan, and I hope you have a good weekend.

Sounds like your mom is an "Inspector" aka an ISTJ - from the the Meyers-Briggs personality typing test. (Commonly used by therapists.) I try not to spend too much time with these folks, they can be sooo negative, only seeing flaws. Also, they can be fun-suckers. :-( Be with people who are warm, reassuring and safe. BTW, I belong to a BP board at Healthboards.com Much support there for us there :)