To call or not to call; that is the question. I’m trying to decide whether to bother Ray again. I’m finding that I’m actually a bigger pain in the ass when I’m manic then when I’m depressed. Yesterday I called him at his office, then called him in the evening too. That’s getting to be too much I think. So maybe I should give him a break today. On the other hand, he did tell me to keep in touch. Maybe he would rather that I call. I don’t know what to do.
The thing is I cut again last night. Nowhere near as bad as I cut Friday night though. In fact, it’s more of a scratch than a cut. Well, maybe a little more than a scratch. Okay, it somewhere in between a scratch and a cut. I guess it doesn’t really matter how bad it is. The point is that I cut. Whenever I get overwhelmed with anxiety or despair, the first thing I think of is cutting. I listen to what Ray says about using other coping mechanisms, but when my mind is racing and I’m near to panic, I just can’t think of anything else to do.
So, what was so overwhelming last night? I’m not sure since my mind was racing through thoughts. I think it was partially over a test I took online last night for one of my classes – I feel like I bombed it even though I did get a 76 and the class average was 70. I should have done better, but I just couldn’t concentrate. I would read the question and either not understand what it was asking or totally forget what the question said as I was looking up the answer. That’s when I called Ray who said that my score wasn’t too bad considering what I’m going through right now. But I still feel bad.
The other part was probably just waking up feeling an overwhelming panic probably due to a nightmare. I told myself that it was just a dream, that it didn’t have anything to do with my life now, that I should just calm myself down, but none of that was working. Maybe it was because I was so groggy from the sleeping pill. But the sleeping pill is the only way I can get to sleep, so I don’t have the option of not taking it. Or maybe it was because of the racing thoughts – I couldn’t concentrate on what I was supposed to be thinking.
Anyway, it helped. After I cut, I calmed down immediately and was able to get back to sleep. That the insidious nature of cutting. It works for me. But I can’t just keep cutting every time I feel overwhelmed. It makes me feel like a freak and I feel guilty for doing it since I feel like I’m letting Ray down. Yet I keep doing it because the freaky feeling and the guilt are easier to deal with than the panic or despair.
So, do I call Ray? I still don’t know. Right at this moment I’m not feeling that bad. Restless, scattered and a bit anxious, but not overwhelmed. This blog is hard to write since my thoughts jump all over the place and I have to keep deleting stuff that doesn’t make any sense or doesn’t have anything to do with the paragraph I’m writing. When I wrote up a description of my symptoms, it took be most of the day to do it so it made sense and accurately described what I was going through in some organized manner. Dr. Leo said that it showed that I wasn’t disorganized – I should have explained that I sort of am since it’s so hard to write.
Okay, I still haven’t made a decision about calling Ray. And this is turning into another massive blog when I intended to write just a short blurb. I guess part of it is me trying to think with my fingers. It helps me to organize my thoughts to some extent – at least when I go back and re-read it does. So I guess it’s worth it, for me anyway. I think I probably will call Ray – later. Right now, I’m going to find something productive to do since I’m at work. I should at least try to do something that relates to work. My apologies to anyone who tried to read all this. I guess it all comes with being a little manic.
2 Feedback.
Really enjoy your blog! Hope your kitchen remodel is soon done. Focus on the way it will look - maybe that'll help. (And a trip to Hawaii wouldn't hurt 
by sometime soon 
Thanks for dropping in, sweetness - it was great to see you! 
Take care of that arm, my friend, and talk to the doc if you need to... 
Just wanted to let you know I've subscribed to your blog so I can keep up with you more easily. 
Bravenet Blog 
Blog Community
Get a Free Blog
Manage your Blog
Come Visits and have some wine 
or tea 
with me 
What an Amazing world we live in 
bravenet.com