It’s Monday morning, I’m at work and I’ve already finished the tasks that my boss gave me to do so I’m sort of just hanging out. It was a rough weekend and I’m kind of glad to be at work – I don’t have the option of lying in bed and wallowing in self-pity when I should be doing something. I fell far short of my goal of doing 5 things each day. Even with the fluff stuff, I think I only did 5 things the entire weekend. I only got part of my homework finished and turned in and I still haven’t taken the test. I have until midnight tonight to take it which means I have to do it tonight. I didn’t do anything toward the other three courses, nor did I do laundry. Overall, the weekend was a complete waste.
It’s been about three days since the med changes were made – the only change I’ve noticed is the absence of euphoric moods. I’m just as anxious and irritable as I ever was if not more so. My racing thoughts haven’t slowed in the slightest and they are even more self-destructive. Ray says I need to be patient but it’s hard when I’m feeling like this. It’s been three full months that I’ve either been depressed or manic. I’m over this, really over it. I want to get back to normal.
I screwed up this weekend – ended up cutting early Saturday morning. I’m not sure exactly what pushed me over the edge – probably the nightmare and waking up in a panic. I was just overwhelmed with the urge to cut. The problem is that it did help for a while. I was very focused and productive in cleaning up the evidence – it bled kind of bad at first, but the bathroom floor needed a good mopping anyway. And I felt a sort of relief from the anxiety and frustration. Still, I know that it was a mistake to cut – it make it that much more likely that I’ll cut again.
On the other hand, I did make it through some rough spots by contacting some of my support people – I called Ray three times and Calvin twice. I also sent them both emails – it helps sometimes to write out what I’m thinking and feeling even when I know that it might be some time before the person will read the email, sort of like writing here helps at times. I still worry about my control, however – I feel it’s weakening and can only hope that the medications start helping before I lose it altogether.
I’m not so much worried about actually killing myself – I’m more worried that I’ll attempt it and change my mind as I always have in the past. There’s always the risk that I’ll do something that causes irreparable damage, leaving me worse off than I am now. I need to hang on to my control or I’ll have no choice but to check myself into the hospital, something I really want to avoid at all costs.
I talked to Ray again this morning. He didn’t mention the hospital and seems to think that I can maintain control until this episode passes. And it will pass. That’s the thing I have to keep in mind – I won’t get stuck like this, the manic feelings will eventually go away, and I’ll get back to normal. What I have to do in the meantime is remind myself that I’m not exactly thinking rationally much of the time and not act on those thoughts. When the feelings start to overwhelm me, I need to talk myself out of them. And I need to give myself a break, not give myself a hard time about these thoughts and feelings.
Of course, all of that is easier said than done. I’m so easily overwhelmed that there often isn’t time to head off the thoughts before I’m on the self-destructive path. I guess all I can do is try. For now, I’m going to find something to keep my mind on for the day. Since there’s not much going on at work, I guess I’ll work on homework. And if I fail, and I cut again, so be it. I just need to accept that I screwed up and move on.
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Really enjoy your blog! Hope your kitchen remodel is soon done. Focus on the way it will look - maybe that'll help. (And a trip to Hawaii wouldn't hurt 
by sometime soon 
Thanks for dropping in, sweetness - it was great to see you! 
Take care of that arm, my friend, and talk to the doc if you need to... 
Just wanted to let you know I've subscribed to your blog so I can keep up with you more easily. 
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