It’s official. I am NOT a Borderline – I AM Bipolar. So sayeth the professionals entrusted to oversee my mental health (such as it is). And Ray is right – it really doesn’t make a whole lot of difference what label is attached. I still feel like shit. All this does is take one piece of ammunition out of my arsenal of self-abuse – I can’t beat myself up over the Borderline diagnosis anymore. Well, I can, but it would be inaccurate and therefore even more stupid than I usually am. Of course my inpatient shrink may disagree with my outpatient shrink’s assessment, but since I’m not planning on seeing my inpatient shrink anytime soon, his opinion, professional or otherwise, is moot.
At least the current plan is that I won’t see the inpatient shrink – that could change, depending on the degree to which I feel in control of some of the urges and impulses I’ve been experiencing. Both Ray and Dr. Leo asked if I felt I needed to be in the hospital – a resounding and vehement NO was the response. However, there is a soft, quiet voice in the dark recesses of my mind that says, “Well… maybe.” Needless to say the loud voice won out – for now. I don’t want to deal with the repercussions of a hospital stay right now – my sister would have a fit, I can’t afford it, I have a take-home/online test due Monday…. That’s just too much to deal with on top of the other stuff, like being a touch manic.
Dr. Leo made some med changes that, hopefully, will help and soon. I’m going to document them here so that I will remember them when I lose the list I made after leaving his office. Why he felt that a manic person would be able to remember what he said five minutes after he said it I have no idea. So, I decrease the Effexor to 75mg twice a day, decrease the Dexadrine to 10mg once a day, increase the Lamictal to 150mg twice a day, leave the Abilify alone at 30mg once a day and add Restoril 30mg at bedtime as needed for sleep.
Sleep. What an odd word. It seems that I’ve heard it before, but am not currently familiar with the concept. I figured it out – I’ve gotten about 10 hours sleep over the past four days. And yet, I am not at all sleepy. Tired, yes – sleepy, no. I’m hoping that the Restoril will solve that little problem since I’m sure that some of the things I’m feeling are a direct result of sleep deprivation – things like the mildly upset stomach.
Anyway, the only med change that has me concerned is the decrease in Dexadrine – the amphetamine. I pointed out that the amphetamine is the only med that seems to have an immediate, positive effect on my mood and ability to focus. I’m sure he’s right that it may have a negative effect on my sleep pattern and restlessness. I guess I’ll just have to see what happens when I don’t take it. I didn’t decrease it today – I have a meeting in a little while and I HAVE to be able to focus and I CANNOT be anxious or irritable. It will be better to try this grand experiment on the weekend when I can always hole up in my room.
I have this odd urge to yell, “INCOMING” every time I feel my mood start to change to anxiety or irritability. Like now. I can feel a wave of impending doom approaching even as I write. I look around me, scanning my environment for the trigger, but there is nothing going on to warrant this panic. If I were a gazelle, I would expect to see a lion crouching in the brush by the watering hole. I have this urge to leap up, grab my stuff and leave. And what am I anxious about? Life? Death? That’s the frustrating thing – I’m not anxious about anything in particular. I just feel like something horrible is going to happen.
So how do I deal with this feeling? Running is not an option – I really need to be at this meeting, and I really need to get my 30 hours in. Besides, Ray was pretty explicit – I need to keep up with my usual day-to-day activities regardless of what I’m thinking or feeling from moment to moment. He said that I could count on him to repeat that endlessly. Alright, I got it – no running away. … I went out for a cigarette, did some deep breathing (and coughing) and tried to remember what Ray said this morning. Basically (if I remember correctly), he said that this was just a feeling, albeit an uncomfortable, inconvenient feeling. It’s not reality. The reality is that there is nothing to be anxious about, and the feeling will pass. <sigh> I guess I just have to keep repeating this to myself.
Well, I’ve only got another few minutes before I need to get my head on straight for the meeting. I think I’ll gather up what I’ll need for it and try to focus on that. Once the meeting is over, I’ll have my 30 hours in for the week and I can make my escape. Once home in the safety and sanctity of my little room, I’ll make my list for the weekend. After that… well, that will depend on the list. What will be conspicuously absent from said list are the multitude of self-destructive acts that are plaguing me. In their place? Probably calling Ray every day (if not every few hours). Poor guy. He just can’t catch a break on either end of my spectrum.
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Really enjoy your blog! Hope your kitchen remodel is soon done. Focus on the way it will look - maybe that'll help. (And a trip to Hawaii wouldn't hurt 
by sometime soon 
Thanks for dropping in, sweetness - it was great to see you! 
Take care of that arm, my friend, and talk to the doc if you need to... 
Just wanted to let you know I've subscribed to your blog so I can keep up with you more easily. 
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