I finally made it to work (at noon), but I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to stay. I don’t have anything to do really, my boss is out for a while so she isn’t here to give me something to do and I still can’t still for long. I’ve been here for less than an hour and I’ve already been out twice to smoke. I’m going to try to stick it out for as long as I can, though. It’s not like I’ll feel any better at home and I could use the hours.
I’m going in to see Ray tomorrow morning at 7, then hang out until Dr. Leo can fit me in. There has to be something that can be done with my meds to give me some relief from whatever this is. Ray seems reluctant to put a label on it – I’m still torn between thinking it’s a hypomania and thinking it’s just my essential Borderline nature coming out in spades. I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as someone can figure out how to make it stop.
I don’t think I slept last night – maybe dozed for a couple of hours on and off. I’m exhausted, but I still feel incredibly restless and I’m not really sleepy. I feel drawn to the warmth and comfort of my bed, yet repelled from the idea of laying there for hours with my thoughts racing around in my head and my muscles twitching with the desire to get up and move. It seems like I get caught with insomnia at both ends of the bipolar spectrum.
I just realized that I haven’t written since I talked to Ray Tuesday afternoon when I went a bit ballistic over his lack of reaction to what I was feeling. I don’t think he really noticed it at the time, but that was the point in which I knew that something was really, really wrong with me. You see, when I hung up, I was overwhelmed with all sorts of self-destructive impulses. I was sullen and childish on the phone (stopping just short of saying “whatever” to everything he said), and basically throwing a mental temper tantrum once I got off.
I guess I was upset that he was minimizing what I was going through – his predominant and valid point was that, while I may have been through this a few times in the past, I had never been hospitalized as a result like I had for depression. Like I said, this is perfectly valid – I just didn’t accept it at the time. I haven’t acted on any of the thoughts and impulses that have been bombarding me, but my sense of control is shaky at best. My tantrum basically centered around the “I’ll show him” scenario – I’d cut, I’d sleep around, I’d take all my meds at once, I’d throw all my meds away, I’d cancel all of my appointments and never contact him again – all designed to prove to him that I was really NOT DOING WELL AT ALL.
See, that’s the sort of reaction I would expect from a Borderline and I told him so in an email that I blasted off once I had calmed down enough to type. It was long and rambling, much like my blogs, and I’m really not sure it made any sense at all – I haven’t gone back to read it to find out. Actually, I’m not even sure that he has read the email. Later that night, when I had calmed down a bit and had some distance on the event, I called his cell phone and left a message apologizing for being such a bitch and letting him know that I had sent an email. I’m not sure whether he got the message or not.
So Wednesday morning I was in a tizzy over what to do. I was feeling very guilty about my attitude on the phone, the tantrum, and the email. My moods were/are still all over the place – I even had a few moments of feeling elated over nothing Tuesday night – but mostly I was anxious and irritable. I was also feeling desperate, isolated, and a myriad of other nebulous and uncomfortable things. I wanted to talk to him, but felt like I should just wait it out until my next appointment – over a week and a half away. I was a little scared that I would finally push him away by being so needy, clingy, demanding – basically Borderline. I was also a little scared that I would just have the same reaction to whatever he said – a tantrum – and act out on the impulses I was barely in control of.
After a lot of agonizing over it, I finally just decided to call and leave a message at his office – if he called, great, if not, whatever. Well, he happened to be free so they put the call through instead of taking a message. I have no idea what he said or what I said, but I felt a lot better about this call. The thing is I have to wonder what was different and whether I felt better about the call because it resulted in an appointment with Ray tomorrow. I mean, was I upset with him on Tuesday because he didn’t even ask when my next appointment was? Did I feel better because I “got my way” this time?
So, on one hand I feel “better” but actually I don’t really feel any better. Okay, that didn’t make much sense. What I think I mean is, I feel a little less desperate and alone because I feel that Ray is taking this all a little more seriously, but I’m still feeling all of the same symptoms that led to me calling him in the first place. I’m still anxious, frustrated, and irritable much of the time with some odd moments of euphoria. My thoughts are still racing, disjointed and bizarre. I still can’t sleep and even though I’m physically tired, I feel like I have a lot of energy. Most of the time, I’m restless, often to the point of wanting to crawl out of my skin. I still worry a lot about control when I’m bombarded with this thoughts and urges. In short, I’m still a mess, whatever you want to call this mess.
Even though most of the time I don’t really know what I’m anxious about, right now I’m feeling extremely anxious about seeing Ray and Dr. Leo tomorrow. I have such a hard time articulating what’s going on and so much of the time it seems contradictory, like being exhausted but having all this excess energy. I suppose I could try to write it all out and just take it in to them to read. The problem with that is that even when I’m writing, I can’t seem to succinctly and effectively communicate the problem, especially when it concerns my anxiety over the whole Borderline issue.
I guess I should wrap this up, post it and try to find something productive to do. Maybe I should try to write up something for Ray and Dr. Leo. If it’s rambling and disjointed, so be it – so am I and that’s part of the problem. I’ve managed to stay here at work for 4 hours so far, but I’ve pretty much decided to skip class tonight. Maybe – yesterday’s classes were agonizing to try to sit still for a couple of hours at a time, but on the other hand I should try to force myself to go. I don’t know. Regardless, I’m going to try to stay here for another hour and I need to find an outlet for this energy. I’ll think of something, I’m sure.
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Really enjoy your blog! Hope your kitchen remodel is soon done. Focus on the way it will look - maybe that'll help. (And a trip to Hawaii wouldn't hurt 
by sometime soon 
Thanks for dropping in, sweetness - it was great to see you! 
Take care of that arm, my friend, and talk to the doc if you need to... 
Just wanted to let you know I've subscribed to your blog so I can keep up with you more easily. 
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