My ability to “settle and ground” is vastly depleted this morning. I sent another email to Ray yesterday evening when I got home, but didn’t follow up with a message to his cell phone. Probably should have just to make sure, but I’m starting to bug him just as badly as when I was depressed – not a good thing. I’m actually finding it harder to refrain from being a pest than when I was depressed. He said he’d call today (although he didn’t specify when) and I just need to be patient. It’s only about 10 but I’m already fighting the urge to call his office and remind him to call me.
I had a mild epiphany yesterday. I was having another of those “waves of impending doom” yesterday afternoon – something I generally associate with depression. I just couldn’t seem to reconcile it with the other moods that I’ve experienced over the past week – general well-being, euphoria, irritability, frustration, etc. At no time have I felt sad or despondent or depressed. So what’s with the doom? Then it hit me – anxiety. What I’m getting is a wave of panic – sometimes over some situation in my life that I have no control over, sometimes over the fear that I’m forgetting something important in my scattered state, and sometimes over nothing at all.
I’ve noticed other overlaps between depression and my current state – namely the frustration and irritability. The irritability seems to be mainly with myself, but it washes over onto Andi, my long-suffering sister who has to put up with my moodiness. Last night I was especially bitchy which then makes me feel even more frustrated with myself. I think some of it has to do with trying to hide my problems from her – I get irritated with her when she won’t just leave me alone, wanting me to spend time with her which requires me to be especially vigilant. While there is a school of thought that would support the idea of just being up-front with Andi, this concept is generally supported only by people who don’t know her.
I finally gave into my urge and called Ray’s office, leaving a message for him to call me. Well, actually I said that I only wanted to remind him that he had said that he’d call today, but the receptionist said she’d leave a message for him to call. A subtle difference, certainly, but I already feel like such a pest and a reminder to call sounds slightly better than a request to call. On the other hand, it would certainly be conceivable that he might forget that he told me he’d call. It’s not like I’m his only patient – not by a long shot. His schedule is perpetually booked out for about a month which is why I generally end up with his “emergency” appointments at 7 am. And it’s not like he doesn’t have a life – something may have come up last night that prevented him from reading his email. So maybe it wasn’t so horrible for me to call his office.
The thing is I sort of know what he’s going to say – “work hard on focusing, stay organized, keep busy, don’t let the negative thoughts get to you, don’t cut, etc.” So why is there this urgency to hear from him? I really don’t know. Maybe it’s just a beacon that I can focus on when my brain is scrambling around in all directions. It’s like he’s my link to reality, my touchstone. I hear from him and for a while everything seems manageable. No, it doesn’t last as long as I think we both would like, but he is able to ground me like no one else can.
….
I just got off the phone with Ray. For the first time I actually feel worse for having talked to him than I did waiting for him to call. I’m trying desperately to figure out why. Desperate – that’s exactly how I feel right now. It’s like he just doesn’t get it. He wants to take this wait and see approach, and I can tell that he doesn’t see it as a big deal. Maybe he’s right. Maybe this is all just nothing. If I could only get these bizarre thoughts out of my head, if I could only feel like I’m in complete control of the impulses that result from these thoughts, then maybe I could agree with him. The thing is it doesn’t matter whether I agree with him or not. There’s nothing he can do. There’s nothing I can do. I’m back to waiting.
0 Feedback.
Really enjoy your blog! Hope your kitchen remodel is soon done. Focus on the way it will look - maybe that'll help. (And a trip to Hawaii wouldn't hurt 
by sometime soon 
Thanks for dropping in, sweetness - it was great to see you! 
Take care of that arm, my friend, and talk to the doc if you need to... 
Just wanted to let you know I've subscribed to your blog so I can keep up with you more easily. 
Bravenet Blog 
Blog Community
Get a Free Blog
Manage your Blog
Come Visits and have some wine 
or tea 
with me 
What an Amazing world we live in 
bravenet.com