I talked to Ray this morning – I broke down and called the office. He hasn’t had a chance to read Saturday’s blog/email yet, so he’s going to read it tonight and call me tomorrow. I tried to explain a little about what was going on – as soon as I said racing thoughts, he asked if I thought I was getting manic, to which I replied that I wasn’t sure. The more I think about it, though, the more I think that I am. Obviously, I’m not full blown manic, thank god, but definitely at least a little hypomanic. I’m just too hyper and scattered for this to be normal.
His recommendations: work hard at focusing and being organized. Good advice, even if it’s easier said than done, and that’s basically what I’ve been trying to do all along. I guess there really isn’t too much more he could suggest – it may come down to a medication issue which isn’t his purview. As tempting as it’s been, I haven’t self-adjusted any of my meds, with the exception of the amphetamine. I not taking it yesterday, thinking that taking speed might be exacerbating the problem. I actually found that the amphetamines do a lot toward keeping my thoughts under control and the restlessness from getting completely out of hand.
Bottom line: mood disorders suck big, hairy monkey balls. That was another thing Ray commented on. No, not the monkey balls, but that this would naturally make me a little anxious – swinging into a manic phase. I’m not sure I’m as much anxious as I am frustrated or discouraged. I’m getting really tired of everything being such a struggle. It would be nice if my mood could somehow match the situation instead of just being a mood that hits me without rhyme or reason. And it would really be nice if I felt like I had some control over my thoughts instead of just having weird thoughts pop in my head every few seconds.
Once again, it has taken me most of the day to write this, and I’ve started and deleted paragraphs over and over again. I write a sentence and then totally lose what point I was going to make. I’m trying to stay at work until at least 4:30, so I still have a little over a half an hour to go. The only reason that I’ve been able to accomplish anything here is that tasks have been given to me in small increments over the day. When I get an email to do something, I do it right away because I know that I’ll forget I even had an email within a few moments.
I told my boss about the manic thing – I’m not sure why, other than to give her fair warning that I’m more than a bit scattered right now. I’m also more talkative than usual which I’ve really been trying to fight. I had this really odd conversation with a co-worker a little while ago – odd on my end of it, not his. I could feel myself jumping from topic to topic, and I know that there were times when I wasn’t making any sense. I also talked about things that I usually don’t just blurt out, like having been in the psych ward of the hospital. It had nothing to do with what we were talking about.
I guess the pressure I feel to write is also coming out when I talk – not good, not good at all. It’s not so much that I mind people knowing that I have psychiatric problems – I just don’t want them to see it. Did that make any sense? It’s like I’d rather them be a bit surprised that I have problems rather than proving it to them every time I open my mouth. I wonder if Andi has noticed anything. Ray asked if she had, but she probably wouldn’t say anything even if she did. I also haven’t seen much of her over the past couple of days – the brief moments that we’ve interacted I’ve tried really hard to just keep my mouth shut.
Well, this is turning into another massive blog, so I guess I should just stop and post it. Then I’ll kill some time by hitting the vending machines to get something to drink and maybe a snack. Then of course I’ll have a cigarette outside and maybe by then it will be time to head home. Once I get there… I guess I’ll make a list. I need to do something to try to get a handle on myself. I keep getting these waves of anxiety – it’s like I’m not getting something done that’s vitally important. I’m probably not, in fact, since I’m not getting anything done at all. Even posting this blog.
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Really enjoy your blog! Hope your kitchen remodel is soon done. Focus on the way it will look - maybe that'll help. (And a trip to Hawaii wouldn't hurt 
by sometime soon 
Thanks for dropping in, sweetness - it was great to see you! 
Take care of that arm, my friend, and talk to the doc if you need to... 
Just wanted to let you know I've subscribed to your blog so I can keep up with you more easily. 
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