The weirdness continues. Scattered thoughts, aimless actions, vacillating moods – basically these have dominated the day. Again, I have managed to accomplish a few things, but nowhere near the amount I should have and wanted to. When things felt that they were whirling out of control, I would lie down for a while and try to bring some order to my thoughts, some purpose to my actions, some stability to my mood. After a few minutes, I would get up again and try to focus on a single task. Sometimes it worked for a while but most of the time I could only maintain this semblance of stability for a few minutes – then I was back to skipping from task to task.
I sent yesterday’s blog to Ray and called to leave a message on his cell phone. I haven’t heard from him, but I didn’t really expect to. I’m not exactly sure what I want him to say. Part of me just wants some reassurance that I’m okay – part of me wants him to tell me that I’m not okay and that there is some explanation for this weirdness I’m feeling. I could handle hanging onto the occasional bouts of euphoria but a little more order to my thoughts would be nice. Maybe I’ll call him again tonight and ask that he call. No, I think I’ll wait until tomorrow.
I just checked my list – including the fluff, I’ve completed exactly five things, my minimum. When I finish this babbling and post it, it will make six things. Swell. I might manage a couple more things tonight, but I doubt it. If I count the little checkmarks I make when I work on something but haven’t finished it, it brings the total up – way up. I’ve “touched” just about everything on my lengthy list at least once. I just haven’t been able to stick with anything.
Okay, basically, this sucks. I have the energy and the motivation to do so much. If I could just harness my mind and control the restlessness, life would be good. In fact, it would be almost perfect. As Ray kept trying to tell me when I was in the pits of despair, my life is going in a good direction, with school and work. It’s just this damned mood disorder that’s making a mess of things. No, even as I wrote that, my mind swirled around with some other issues that are making life “not-so-perfect”. When I have my moments of gloom and doom, these are the issues that dominate my thinking. These moments pass and life is back to perfect. Of course then I have my moments of irritability and frustration when life isn’t so hot. But those moments pass as well. I guess I’m back to my original thought – it’s this damned mood disorder that has to go.
I’ve been writing this on and off for an hour – it’s time to post it and get on to something else. I also need to get up again. The strain of forcing myself to sit still is starting to get to me. Maybe a nice period of laundry folding would soothe my restless spirit. Or perhaps whirling around the room gathering up all the trash would burn off some restless energy. I don’t know. But I’ll do something. Probably won’t finish it, but I’ll do something.
1 Feedback.
Really enjoy your blog! Hope your kitchen remodel is soon done. Focus on the way it will look - maybe that'll help. (And a trip to Hawaii wouldn't hurt 
by sometime soon 
Thanks for dropping in, sweetness - it was great to see you! 
Take care of that arm, my friend, and talk to the doc if you need to... 
Just wanted to let you know I've subscribed to your blog so I can keep up with you more easily. 
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