I’ve started this blog about 10 times now. I just can’t seem to focus on one thought long enough to make any sense. Make that 11 times – I just deleted a paragraph that wasn’t saying what I thought I wanted it to say. I feel this overwhelming urge to write, but finding the words is hard, especially when I’m not even really sure what I want to say. I think what sat down to write about is how I’m feeling, but I’m not sure what that is. Or maybe I do know, but just don’t want to admit it.
Okay, the past couple of days have been weird. It’s not that anything weird has happened – life has been going on in its usual way with work and school and the other sundry things that make up life. It’s me that’s weird. At least I think it’s me. Part of me keeps telling myself that I’m just feeling normal but don’t seem to recognize it when I see it. I just don’t feel normal. I feel… I guess out of sync might describe it. It’s like I’m not in tune with the rest of the orchestra or I’m out of step with the rest of the band.
For one thing, my mood is all over the place. I’m not depressed – that I recognize all too well. Yet I have these moments when I’m overwhelmed with a sense of impending doom. Not about anything specific, although there are some things that I’m concerned about, but just a feeling that something awful is about to happen. When these moments pass – and they really are just moments – I generally feel quite good. But then there are these other moments when I’m a bit of a bitch for no reason – irritable and frustrated with the world. Like the gloom and doom feeling, that passes pretty quickly too and I’m back to feeling really good.
My thoughts have been all over the place as well. My brain seems to be on overdrive but without a steering mechanism. I’m trying desperately to focus on this blog, but other thoughts keep intruding. It’s not just negative thoughts, like when I’m depressed, but any thought about any topic. One minute I’m thinking about what I should work on for school, then all of a sudden, I’m thinking about whether I should change the sheets on my bed, or about an email I’ve considered sending to Calvin about some issues with the church.
So, I’ve covered the affective and cognitive aspects – what about behavior? Friday I was pretty productive (for a change) at work and looking back over the week, I see that I had a few periods of intense productivity for school and getting this new laptop set up. Today, however, I felt like I was running in circles without getting anything accomplished. I would start something then drop it to do something else which I also didn’t finish because I would drop it to do yet another thing. I can’t seem to sit still for long – I’ve moved back and forth from my bedroom to outside several times during the course of this blog.
The question that keeps popping into my head is, “Is this normal?” Is this all just part of what everyone experiences from time to time or is this a part of being bipolar? Is the pendulum swinging too far in the other direction? I’m just not sure. I’ve had periods in the past that were hypomanic but they are few and far between. In fact, when I saw Dr. Leo on Thursday, he asked if I thought that my mood was “too good” and I said no. Yet, now I’m not so sure. On the other hand, I don’t want to see psychiatric symptoms in every little thing that I feel, think or do.
I’m not sure what to do about all of this. I’m not scheduled to see Ray again for a couple of weeks and I don’t see Dr. Leo again for a month. Do I just wait and see where this all takes me? Do I call Ray? I don’t know. Whether this is hypomania or not, it’s not as bad as being depressed. In fact, there are times when it’s great – I actually feel a certain euphoria about my life and my future when my mood is up. Some of the thoughts that run through my head are a bit disturbing, but I recognize that and don’t intend to act on them. And while today was pretty much wasted, I still managed to keep busy and make some progress on a few things.
Well, decision making is never my strong suit so that’s normal for me if nothing else. Maybe I’ll just post this blog and email a copy to Ray, leaving a message on his cell phone to read it if he gets a chance. What I expect him to do about it, I have no idea. In the meantime, I’ll just… I don’t know. About 10,000 ideas of what I should do just flooded into my head and I can’t pick out one to settle on. I guess it’s time to go back to my infamous list, pick a task and work on it until my mind and body drags me off to work on something else. Eventually, maybe I’ll actually finish something. Like this massive blog.
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Really enjoy your blog! Hope your kitchen remodel is soon done. Focus on the way it will look - maybe that'll help. (And a trip to Hawaii wouldn't hurt 
by sometime soon 
Thanks for dropping in, sweetness - it was great to see you! 
Take care of that arm, my friend, and talk to the doc if you need to... 
Just wanted to let you know I've subscribed to your blog so I can keep up with you more easily. 
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