I’m at work, so I suppose that I should be working. Despite the depression slowly lifting, my motivation continues to be problematic. There are things I could be working on, but I’m waiting for some feedback from my boss on one of the projects. Actually, to be completely truthful, I’m using “waiting on feedback” as an excuse for postponing any sort of work. I suppose that eventually, I’m going to need to apply myself to something, but for now, typing up this blog will serve to allow me to look busy while not actually being busy.
I met with Ray yesterday – he’s “pleased” with my change in mood. We didn’t really “work” on any issues, basically just shooting the shit about people we both knew at the mental health center and other light topics, like socialism in South America (don’t ask – I have no idea how we ended up there). He seems to feel that it’s a great accomplishment that I made it through this episode without cutting or going into the hospital. I suppose, although I pointed out that it took almost daily phone contact to manage that. He said that wasn’t a big deal, but I think it is. I’m just lucky that I had his support on that level.
Today I have an appointment with Dr. Leo to talk about meds. Since I’m doing okay, I’m sure that we’ll just leave well enough alone and this will be a short meeting. I forgot to see where I stand with my meds – which ones I have refills left on and which ones I’ll need scripts for. I hate when I do that, since it makes it look like I’m not paying attention to my meds. The thing is I’m not. I mean, I’m taking them as prescribed, but I don’t really notice how many I have left until they get really low. Except for the amphetamines – those I watch like a hawk.
So, now that the fog is lifting and the dark miasma of depression is no longer enveloping my soul, I need to shore up my fortifications against the next episode. That’s the thing – there will be another episode. It’s just a matter of when, how bad and in what direction, up or down. The odds are vastly in favor of down – my ups are few and far between, so much so that there is always some doubt as to whether I’m really bipolar. Not that it really matters – I’ve got some sort of mood disorder that disrupts my life periodically. That’s all that matters.
Ray and I have talked about this a lot in a general sense. The goal is for the depression to NOT be as bad, for as long, or as often. How to achieve that goal is another story. It seems a daunting project – trying to change a pattern that has become pretty entrenched in my life over the past 30-something years. It fact, it seems pretty overwhelming. Well, I’m open to suggestions from any source.
I guess I’d better find something work related to apply my energies to now. My boss was by a little while ago, so I got my feedback of a sort. No more excuses. Fortifications will have to stew on the back burner for a while. Fort K’Jan is still rather battered from this latest siege. I need to take some time to evaluate where the holes in my defenses are before developing a plan for filling them in. In the meantime, it will continue to stand.
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Really enjoy your blog! Hope your kitchen remodel is soon done. Focus on the way it will look - maybe that'll help. (And a trip to Hawaii wouldn't hurt 
by sometime soon 
Thanks for dropping in, sweetness - it was great to see you! 
Take care of that arm, my friend, and talk to the doc if you need to... 
Just wanted to let you know I've subscribed to your blog so I can keep up with you more easily. 
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