I had a rough night and am having a rough day.  It’s really hard to try to stay positive about myself when I’m feeling like crud.  It got bad enough that I called Ray today – he called right back which always makes me feel a little better, at least for a while.

So why do I feel so bad?  I know that at least part of it is just the normal downs that everyone gets.  I’m just worried that it’ll go into a major depression.  I’ve got to do what I can to keep that from happening – think positive, stay busy, all the usual things.

Part of it has to do with a conversation I had with Norton last night.  I “confronted” him about using someone else as a substitute for the church quartet.  I tried to make it light, but I think I came off badly, like I was being a real diva.  Well, he told me his rationale for using this other person – I wish I had never brought it up since ignorance is bliss.  He told me that I don’t sing loud enough, that he could hardly hear me when we did the trio at the Christmas Eve service.  He said it wasn’t a “slight” but just “the way it is.”

Naturally, I now feel like my singing sucks.  I know that wasn’t what he said.  I keep trying to tell myself to stay rational about it, but the translation program is working full time.  It is turning it into a really critical commentary of my abilities as a singer which was never too complimentary to begin with.  But I have to wonder why Norton is always telling me that he needs me singing in the alto section.  If I sing too soft, how can I contribute anything to the section?  How can he even tell whether I’m singing the right notes or have a good tone or not?  So, has he been lying to me, trying to make me feel good?  That’s what I’ve always thought, even though he says that he would never lie to me, about singing especially.  I guess Ray is right – I just don’t think rationally when I’m feeling depressed.

It doesn’t help that it’s mind numbingly boring at work.  I’m here now, writing this blog since I don’t have anything else to do.  Every time I start a project, I reach a certain point where I need someone else to do something – then it’s back to waiting around for something to do.  It gives me way too much time to think.  I’ll be glad when classes start next week.  At least then, when it’s slow at work, I’ll have something to occupy my time and my mind.

Okay, for now I’ll focus on going out to Happy Hour with Marianne after work.  That usually helps, although I’m not much of a drinker – I can drink a lot without getting drunk, but I just don’t drink that often.  It’s more the company than the drinks that helps.  And I need something to help.  Anything.

When I'm feeling blue, I try to make someone else feel better.

K'Jan, could it be even remotely possible that weather may be affecting your mood right now? I know the weather is changing dramatically where I am, and my moods are all over the place...

As for dealing with the negative tapes that seem to continue replaying themselves in your head, have you ever tried having a conversation with those negative aspects? I gave mine a form and a name, and then I sat down and wrote out an actual conversation. I just let the words flow (it was hard - my internal editor was really ticked at me for not watching my grammar and stuff), and what came out was truly amazing.

It's kind of like writing a story, K'Jan. You give that negative tape in your head a form that's much smaller than you are, and then you give it a name. Then, you write. Here is an example:

Me: "So, Poindexter, what's your issue?"

PD: "You are."

Me: "How so?"

PD: "You are...."

And on it goes. The goal, K'Jan, is to make that conditioning smaller than you are, counter every negative it throws at you, and always come out the winner. You can save these dialogues or not - it's up to you - but the goal is to make the negativity smaller (and thus, weaker) than you are, and overcome it with positives. Does that make sense?

For whatever it's worth to you, I hope it helps, K'Jan. I've been doing this for a few years, now, and it's always helped me; that's why I thought I'd pass it along to you. Have a better day and a better weekend, sweetie...

Is it possible that you don't sing louder because you have such a critical view of your own singing? Is it possible that Norton is being HONEST with you while trying not to criticize you? I think so because I know that you are a great singer. In fact, Norton probably needs you to sing in the alto section because the other singers follow your perfect pitch and ease of picking out harmonies (a talent that was bestowed upon everyone in my family but me...) Why don't you take this as an opportunity to prove to yourself that you *are* a good singer rather than a chance to beat yourself up some more. I find a good way to handle the negativity and my tendency for hyper-self-criticism is to get engrossed in a book or good movie.
Love ya,
g~