Welcome to another day in the life of a depressed Bipolar.  Today’s forecast:  Overcast with lightly scattered suicidal obsessions and a chance of self-injury later in the day.  Stay tuned for updates throughout the day.

I slept really late this morning.  Well, actually I woke up really early, ate some cereal and went back to bed “for a bit.”  I ended up getting the best sleep I have had in a while during those four hours – no nightmares for a change.  I would like to hope that it’s a harbinger of a better mood, but so far that’s not the case.  I still feel wrapped in a cocoon of hopelessness.   

I’m not sure why I’m even bothering to write today.  Except for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, I’m the same today as yesterday and the day before.  The only change is that I’m a little more disgusted with my state, a little more tired of my condition than the day before.  I get up each day and take a handful of expensive and apparently useless medications.  I try to ignore my mood but a part of my mind is gauging where I stand on the mood meter.  Am I feeling at all better?  Can I report to Dr. H that he’s found the miracle combination of medications that will make me feel better?  So far, the answer to both questions is a resounding, “No.”

Perhaps there is some change I can make in my life or lifestyle that would nudge my mood meter in an upward direction.  I’ve wracked my brain, however, looking for this change to no avail.  I’ve tried to stay active, which is the primary advice that Ray is giving me – keep busy, keep forcing yourself to do things.  So I try to alternate between things on the computer and physical things that get me off my butt.  And the continued direction of the mood meter is still down.

I think part of the problem is that I don’t have much to do that engages my mind.  This blog helps, as does working to complete my website.  Even though I write about the miserable state of my mood in these blogs, it helps me to “talk” about it.  And writing about my mood is better than thinking about the various ways to do myself in.  The website is even better – I’ve already finished the mental health section of the website and am now working on the page about some of the TV shows and films I like.  This takes my mind off of everything having to do with mood and suicide, at least partially.  It’s a bit of a struggle to stay on task, but I manage for a while and I get a brief respite.

So I probably need to find more intellectual pursuits to work on during this break from school.  I suppose I could add some more pages to my website – maybe a page about my furry children.  I also need to plan out the next couple of semesters – determine what classes I still need to take to complete my degree.  I finally got them to pull my AA degree out of the moth balls so I could see what general education requirements I might not have fulfilled for this new degree.  It seems that I have met all of the requirements – except speech.  Maybe I should start wracking my brain for some speech topics.

Well, that seems to be the secret to at least surviving this downward plunge of the mood meter – distractions.  And one distraction is to try to list all of the possible distractions I can use to keep my mind off razor blades and toxic substances.  Another is to keep writing blogs.  Actually, I also need to go back and re-read some of my blogs, especially the ones I wrote for MySpace when my mood was normal.  I’ve been told by a few people that I should write a book.  I know that I could never write something that would be publishable, but maybe pulling some of these blogs together into some sort of order will also keep my mind off death and mayhem.  I need to do anything I can to keep that mood meter from plunging any further into the depths of depression.

I cant give you words of widsom, because I have none for myself. However I just want to let you know that you are not alone and that there is people that do read your blog and wishes to reach out to you. Take care

Hey BFF KJ. I decided to post, to remind you that you are not alone, I am here 24-7, and even though you don't reach out by phone often, I am cheaper than Ray as you are with E. You have been there for me during the roughest spots, and I am here for you. When you really are feeling bad, remember Bernice is still there waiting patiently for you, and I am a phone call or Frap away. Love you,
J